Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
August 31, 2013
File Size
10.8 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
213
Favourites
11 (who?)
Comments
20
Downloads
1
×
The town hadn’t been the same since, Jimmy had fallen into the wood chipper, but that didn’t stop us from having a good time. I would have felt sorry about the accident, but Jim was the playground bully, and I was kind of relieved that I wouldn’t be going home with trousers full of sand anymore. Besides, who had time to be worrying about accidents from the past when you had to deal with one now. “Sammy, why did you do that?” I asked.

“It’s not my fault,” Sammy yelled back, “It was already dead when I started poking it.”

“You’re lying,” I bend down near the dog and poked at its belly. “It was alive this morning, you did something to it to make it die.”

“How could I make it die?” Sammy kicked at the ground, “I’m not even old enough to make things die.”

“What are you taking about? We’re eight, that’s old enough.” I responded, “Remember that movie we watched where the little girl stabbed her parents to death?”

“That was just a scary movie, my mom said it wasn’t real.” Sammy poked the dog with a stick again.

“Stop it,” I said, shoving him back. I lowered myself next to the dog again and tried to lift him up.

“What are you doing?” Sammy asked.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m trying to pick the dog up.” I said.

“Why-“

“Because someone will come down here and see us and tell the entire town we killed a dog.” Sammy crouched down on the other side of the dog and put his hands underneath it. “Let’s move it off the side of the road.”

“You know, this would be a lot easier if it wasn’t a German Shepherd.” We lifted the dog as high as we could, which was not that high at all. Most of its body dragged on the ground as we pulled it into the canopy of the bushes that ran alongside the road. “What do we do now?” Sammy said.

“Well, we can’t just leave it in the bushes, we have to bury it.” I said.

“Why do we have to do that?” Sammy complained, “No one will find it here.”

“Yes they will do you know whose dog this is?” Sammy looked the dog up and down.

“No.”

“It’s Officer Conner’s dog, if he finds out about this, we will go to jail for the rest of our lives” Sammy leaped back in shock.

“You mean we killed a police dog?” He asked.

“What do you mean we? You’re the one-“

“I didn’t kill him.” Sammy shouted, “I-I didn’t mean to.”

“So you did kill him.” I said.

“I saw him walking on the side of the road, and he collapsed when I tried to pet him.”

“Oh yeah, like anyone’s going to believe that.” I wasn’t really sure if I believed him or not, but the way Sammy was acting made me suspicious.

“What?” he said, “I’m sure you would act all guilty too, if a dog randomly died in front of you.” I just shrugged, I couldn’t argue with that.

“I have to run to my house to get a shovel, will you watch the dog?” I asked.
“Fine, but you better hurry, I don’t want to be left alone for too long. What if someone sees me?” I could tell Sammy was nervous about this.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon.” I reassured him. I gave him a pat on the back before I took off towards my house.

I ran straight to the shed and was careful not to make too much noise as I dug around for the shovel. It felt like ages, but I finally found it buried under some rope. “What do you think you’re doing?” I jumped at voice and dropped the shovel.

“I’m just borrowing this for something,” I said, turning around to face my sister who was two years my senior.

“Oh yeah?” She questioned.

“I just need it for a game, Sammy and I are playing.”

“What kind of game?” She asked.

“A fun one.”
“I want to play this game.” My sister grinned, while I sighed. Sometimes she acted as if she was my younger sister.

“Fine.” I said, “But you can’t tell anyone about this game.”


“I’m telling,” My sister nagged when she saw the dog under the bushes.

“No you can’t.” I said, grabbing her by the shoulders. “It was an accident, if anyone finds out we’ll all go to prison.”

“No, you’ll go to prison,” she said, “I’ll get all the money for turning you in.”

“We could just tell the cops that you killed the dog,” Sammy said.

“I’ll kill you if you do that.” She responded as she took a step towards Sam.

“Just stop,” I said, “We need to start digging before it gets dark.” I held the shovel firmly in my hands, “Are you guys going to help me or not?” Sammy and My sister, Angela, nodded simultaneously. “Good.”

I had dug about half the hole when the neighborhood boys came. They rode in on their black bicycles and stopped at our feet, making some of the dirt crawl back into my hole. “Look what we have here,” The leader of the bike gang said, “The elementary school losers.” Tommy dismounted his bike and got so close to my face that I swore I could smell what he ate for dinner the night before. “Eugene Phillips.” He spat.

“What do you want?” I said, wiping his spit from my face, “This is a bad time.”

“Do you think I care what time it is?” Tommy pushed me back and snatched the shovel from my hands. “Why are you digging holes on the side of the road?”

“Look, Tommy,” One of his gang members pointed to the dog.

“What did you do to my dog?” He shouted.

“We didn’t do anything,” I said, “It just died.”

“You’ll be sorry for this,” Tommy grabbed me by my shirt collar and threw me onto the ground. I held my arms in front of my face as he hit at me as hard as he could.

“Get off of him,” Sammy yelled, jumping on top of Tommy. Before long we were all in a huge pile, hitting whatever we could make contact with our fists. Angela was standing to the side telling me who and where to hit.

“Stop.” Tommy said, climbing out of the pile. “I’ll just tell me dad what you did, and then you’ll be real sorry.” The rest of his biker gang got up off the group and went to their bikes. “You’ll be in so much trouble,” he said before riding off.

“What do we do now?” Sammy put his hands on his head and began to pace back and forth.

“I don’t know.” I sat on the ground next to the German Shepherd and hoped an answer would come to me. “Maybe we’ll just go to jail.”

“Jail?” Angela said, “We can’t go to jail, we haven’t even made it to middle school.”

“Tommy will be back with his dad at any moment, and when he sees his dog he’s going to put us in handcuffs and take us straight to jail.” I covered my face with my hands so Sammy and Angela wouldn’t see me cry. I was all out of ideas and felt like I had let everyone down.

“Don’t worry, Gene,” Sammy said, putting his arm around me, “Maybe it won’t be so bad.”

“Yeah, maybe you two will be in the same cell together.”

“Shut up,” I said, “This isn’t a joke anymore.”

I didn’t bother getting up as I heard a car pull up on the side of the road. Sammy tried to pull me to my feet, but I just shook him off and continued to stare at the ground before me. I could hear Tommy yelling something to his dad, Officer Connors, but I was too upset to know what he was saying. “I see you found my dog,” Officer Connors said, “I thought this might happen.” I looked up at him in surprise.

“What-“ I began.

“My old partner was getting old, it’s not a surprise that he died.” Officer Connors got on one knee and ran a hand through his companion’s fur. “He was a strong dog, but his time was coming to an end.”

“You mean we didn’t kill him?” Sammy asked.

“Kill him?” Connors laughed, “Nah, he was nearing fourteen years, he died on his own. They say that when animals know they are about to die, they try to hide from their owners so they won’t be sad to see them go.”
“So, your dog ran away so you wouldn’t be upset?” I asked. Officer Connors nodded.

“I see that you were trying to bury him.” He said.

“We thought we were going to get arrested.” Sammy told him.

“Arrested for what? The death of an old dog?” Connors smiled, “I don’t even think it’s possible for kids your age to go to jail.”

“We were worried about that.” Angela said.

“I think my partner would have been happy that you took such good care of him.” Officer Connors picked up his companion and motioned for Tommy to open the car door. He gave us one last nod in appreciation and drove off.

“I told you kids our age wouldn’t get in trouble.” Sammy teased.

“Well we still don’t know what really happened, you could have still killed the dog.” I said.

“We’re too young to kill things.” Sammy said.
“No, we’re not.” I argued.

“Will you two stop,” Angela said, “It’s getting dark and I’m hungry.”

“You’re always hungry, but okay, let’s go home.” I said putting my arms around Sammy and Angela. I took one last look back as we started home, and sighed in relief.
SP #38 :iconscreamprompts:

I don't really write children's stories and would like to know if the dialogue is accurate to what an eight year old would talk like.

WC=1663
Add a Comment:
 
:icongraphite-master:
graphite-master Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014
Oh I liked this, though I don't think many younger kids would appreciate it as much. The dialogue was just entertaining in a morbidly humorous way. I wanted to see what would happen next as I was reading...I seriously thought Sammy and Eugene would betray each other when Eugene left to look for the shovel. I think you did a good job with creating tension. It flowed pretty well, and you could definitely tell the characters' personalities quickly, which is always a plus. 
The beginning was a bit random, but I actually liked the effect. It sounded whimsical. :D
The dialogue didn't sound like something eight year olds would produce, but that wasn't conspicuous enough to detract from the story. If a serious literary critic looked at it, hell would break loose, but I think you have a safe audience for now.
Reply
:icon914four:
914four Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I enjoyed this, although I'm not sure I would consider it as children's literature. The first sentence, about Jimmy falling into the wood chipper, kind of sets a much too morbid tone. Had Jimmy died in a car accident or something more mundane, the tone would have been different, but the wood chipper just brings up thoughts of wrong-doing and serial killers. 
I get that this might have been where you wanted to go, but I think that takes it automatically out of the children's category.
As to the level of dialogue, that really depends on you. My born-in-January five-year-old uses words like optional, concept, design flaw, pneumonia and observation (just from memory of a conversation I had with him a few minutes ago), and used the word carburetor in a sentence before he was two years old (made this father very proud then :-) ), so it really comes down to your decision as to what level of dialogue they should have. Good story.

Reply
:iconohineedtea:
OHiNeedTea Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013   Writer
Hello, thought i'd leave you a critique. 

So, i'll answer your question first. In all honesty, i didn't think the dialogue was accurate to how an eight year old would talk. I thought that what happens and their actions were childish, but i thought the relationship between them wasn't really. For example, the older sister just decided she'd help them. No way, i remember begging my brothers to help me do things and in the end they either didn't, or i had to promise them my pocket money. 

Things that make the dialogue itself less childish are phrases/words like "entire town" (i don't think i even knew the word "entire" when i was 8) "You know" (this kind of construction is associated more with teenagers. My eight year old niece is always saying "did you know that... did you know that..."), "oh yeah, like anyone's" (definitely more teenage attitude, "randomly died" (teenage), "my senior" (i know this isn't in the dialogue but that really stood out to me). 

As for the rest of the piece, the first thing to hit me was the first sentence. It's a bit jarring because of the comma usage. I feel as though you should lose the comma or make it into two sentences.

The town hadn’t been the same since Jimmy had fallen into the wood chipper, but that didn’t stop us from having a good time

Or

“The town hadn’t been the same since. Jimmy had fallen into the wood chipper, but that didn’t stop us from having a good time

I’d go for the first one, personally.


I'd also start a new paragraph for the dialogue because the first paragraph takes us to a context but isn't part of the scene. Also, on that note, i'd like to ask why you mention Jimmy? Was it just to bring in a child's voice? I'm not sure it worked because you tell us something with no relevance -- which to be far is something a child would do -- which leaves us waiting for something about Jimmy to pop up somewhere else. After reading, i felt that the first paragraph was quite distracting.


"Besides, who had time to be worrying about accidents from the past when you had to deal with one now."  -- you're missing the question mark. You slip up with punctuation in a few places throughout, and there are also a few typos. Reading aloud would probably help you catch the typos/missing punctuation.


I noticed that your dialogue is formatted in correctly for the most part, but then in a few places it's correct. Here's a guide to formatting dialogue correctly: bubblecow.net/see-how-easily-y…



The last thing i wanted to point out is your dialogue tags. There's a part where you say the sister is nagging, but I wouldn’t call saying "i'm telling" as nagging. I’ve noticed you’ve used a lot of different dialogue tags, but I’d try and stick to good old “said” most (not all) of the time because some of them probably can be debated – like nagged. Plus sometimes dialogue tags distract the reader from what's actually just been said. 


Overall, i think the plot was strong, and i thought the story was interesting, but there were just a few things that let you down a bit. Keep up the great writing, though! 

Reply
:icondr-vergissmeinnicht:
Dr-Vergissmeinnicht Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Sorry for the late reply, just getting through all my messages now. I want to thank you for writing such an in depth critique. 

I think what happened with the age issue was that I was trying to write them as being more mature. I modeled the kids after characters in both The Lord of The Flies and To Kill A Mockingbird. Obviously, this was a failure on my part. Thanks for giving feedback on that portion. 

As for the dialogue, thanks for the guide. Punctuation regarding dialogue always slips me up and I do need to be more careful when looking over for mistakes. 

Thank you! 
Reply
:iconohineedtea:
OHiNeedTea Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2014   Writer
You're very welcome :)
Reply
:iconmistikfantasy:
Mistikfantasy Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I Read the whole story. It sounded quite childish fortuanlly for me because if it was something more serious I would for sure have felt sad.
I love my 7 years dog like nothing else. I do not know if I will be able to support the pain when the moment will come... but for now he is happy and full of energy! =)
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2013
I thought this started really strong and lost some cohesion late. Mostly the dialogue sounded kiddish to my ear, except in a few places. "just randomly died" stood out as something I didn't see these kids saying.
Reply
:icondr-vergissmeinnicht:
Dr-Vergissmeinnicht Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This story is just a mess, I think I was so worried about writing the kids as kids and their dialogue and put the story on the back burner, which is a horrible mistake. 
Reply
:iconhazethecrazed:
HazeTheCrazed Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist

I really love this story. It reminds me a bit of another story, "Everything For A Dog" by Ann M. Martin where Charlie was younger, he had a dog named Sunny. He loved Sunny with all his heart, went walks in the woods in the afternoons with her to have time together. He used to share time with his brother, RJ, but he died... Now Sunny is all he had left, but throughout the story, a hunter, who have mistaken Sunny as something else, shot her. In grief, he didn't want to buy a new dog. For him, Sunny was unreplaceable.

 

When Eugene was digging the hole for the dog, it gave me the flashback of a scene in the story of "Everything For A Dog" where Charlie was digging a grave for his beloved dog next to Rj's gravestone.

 

Thanks for the memories! ^.^ This earned a +fav! :happybounce: 

Reply
:icondr-vergissmeinnicht:
Dr-Vergissmeinnicht Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'll have to check that story out, it sounds really nice. It's true that animals have a personality of their own and they are very hard to replace. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

:hug:
Reply
Add a Comment: